


Becoming More Again

by Finn



Series: No Second Chances [2]
Category: Hawaii Five-0 (2010)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Danny Whump, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, Hurt Danny "Danno" Williams, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-07-27
Updated: 2016-12-30
Packaged: 2018-07-27 04:34:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 14,840
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7603561
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Finn/pseuds/Finn
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>How Danny met Steve. And what happened before and after Less Than Nothing.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I can honestly say that this took longer than even I expected. I have about twenty drafts of first paragraphs saved but none of them struck me as right. And then today I sat down and bamm. It seems I finally found the right start for the story I want to tell.
> 
>  
> 
> All Hawaii Five-0 characters herein are the property of CBS. No copyright infringement is intended.  
> Also, not beta read. Volunteers to the front though ;)

Ice hockey becomes part of Danny's life fairly early, by necessity alone.

He's an active kid, running around his parents in circles and while that might have been okay in the beginning, soon it's not just him anymore but also the new babies, crying and demanding attention. 

His tired dad runs him ragged on the playground when he has time but it's soon that his parents decide that a long-term solution is needed.

It's pure luck that they do so in November, making ice hockey one of the few available options.

He's around five then, small and scrawny with constantly banged up elbows and knees but so are all the other boys in the team.

They spent more time tripping each other that actually trying to hit the puck but it's under the watchful eyes of their trainer and back then it's all about fun.

And then, when the rules are gently explained and reinforced, it becomes so much more.  
It's speeding that feels like flying. It's the best feeling in the world. It's unexplainable and Danny wants to stay on the ice forever.

It gets better and worse when he becomes older.

Better, because when he turned nine his parents allowed him to go home by himself after training which in turn allowed him to have the ice to himself for a few precious minutes after each training before his trainer kicked him out.

Worse, because the rest of his teammates seemed to grow like weeds around him while he just seemed to be kind of… stuck. 

It wasn't that he had trouble with his teammates, if one ignored the fact that his new nickname becomes 'Midget' but all the players he loves and admires, all the players he sees when going to games with his dad are tall and he thinks about it more and more because he also think about what he wants to do when he becomes a grown up. 

He doesn't want to talk about this with dad, not only because the man is big and tall and refused to gift any of that to his first born, damn it. It's also because his dad flinches every time Danny comes home banged up after a game and clearly wishes for his son to do something not quite so physical.

As for his mum… Well, she's small as well but she's also a girl and everyone knows that there are different rules for girls. Girls are supposed to be small. You hear that Stella? Stop growing taller than your big brother!

And so he ends up talking to his coach. Coach Adams is a former hockey player, tall and bulky and constantly chewing on cigars he says he's not allowed to smoke. Which would be weird if Danny hadn't met Mrs. Adams once. 

He hangs back after his shower, letting the other guys leave before him, waiting for the man to finish locking up the gear.

"Danny? What'cha still doing here?"

Chewing his lip nervously, the boy glances down at his feet which are shuffling around without his permission before clenching his fists and blurting out the question he's afraid to have answered.

"Do you think I can become a pro even if I stay small? Because I made mum buy more milk, only it doesn't seem to help no matter how much I drink."

He manages to raise his gaze for a second but ends up staring back down onto his trainers again.

For a second there's no reply, but then he feels a heavy hand on his shoulder, making him look up only to see Coach Adams crouched down in front of him, serious look on his face and trying to catch Danny's eyes with his.

"Danny, you're smart, you're fast and you're a feisty little shit. I'm not saying it's gonna be easy, because it won't be. Might be in the future, if the game changes its current policy of using only tank-sized guys. But even if it's not, there's always a chance and you just have to try. Because if you don't, you have already failed. Get what I'm saying?"

"Like a test at school, where I get a bad mark even when I leave a blank because I wasn't sure?"

The man grins at him.

"Exactly like that. A blank is always a fail. But an answer might be wrong or right. Fifty/fifty chance, son."

He stands back up with a groan and stretches his back, before catching Danny's eyes once more.

"You really want this?"

Danny nods.

"The you need more training. I'll drive you home and talk to your parents. Twice a week isn't gonna cut it but I'm sure we'll figure something else out. C'mon, midget."

****************************

They did indeed figure something out in the end. 

Dad started taking more shifts, mum did some needle work for neighbors and Danny started training five times a day, two of them solo with Coach Adams.

The next few years weren't easy, on any of them. His siblings grumbled because of the hand-me-down clothes, his parent's were constantly struggling for enough money to pay for mortgage, food and hobbies of four kids.

And Danny… Danny worked his ass off to repay them in the ways he could. Went to school, went to training, went home to eat and study, and worked on the weekend in a dinner so to at least help pay for hockey gear and camp.

No, it wasn't easy, but it was worth it. Made worth it each time he got t be on the ice, each time his family was in the stands cheering for him.

****************************

He's not drafted in 1992, but he hadn't thought he would be.

He focusing on finishing high school as best he can while still giving his all during training, because he's ambitious and wants to do well. That, and he has some weeks off because of a slight concussion he got during one of the games. 

The injury made his dad anxious, and the man mentions more and more often the possible, safe job opportunities that would be available to him if he didn't want to go to university.

It's not that Danny doesn't understand, but… hockey is all he ever wanted. He won't give up now.

His patience is rewarded, because he ends up being drafted by the New Jersey Devils the following year. He's not a high draft number and he's under no illusions that he'll be called up right away but... there's always hope.

His siblings are at home with his grandparents but his parents are there, as is Coach Adams when he gets his jersey, and this might just be the most amazing night of his life.

****************************

He's sent down right away but it doesn't bother him. 

He managed to finish high school, he has a modest salary and he's lucky enough to be able to live with one of his aunts because everyone, himself included, feels seventeen is too young to live by himself.

That means he has to worry about nothing but hockey. 

He skips no training, focuses on the speed his smaller frame allows him, and on weight training to gain the strength to level the taller guys if needed.

He's happy where he is. Sure, NHL and Lord Stanley would be cool, and he's ambitious enough to want it. But he doesn't need it.  
And if his dad hints about a more secure future from time to time, well, that's easily ignored because he knows that the man does it out of worry and love. 

****************************

And then comes the year 1994 and fucking hell, it's unbelievable, but he's called up.

The last few weeks, hope and speculation had ruled in the locker room, gossiping about who might be a possible call up, but always colored by disbelieve, because what the fuck? If it hadn't been so sad, the wave of injuries hitting the New Jersey Devils might have actually been funny.

And then he's called into Coach's office and… he's called up. He's going to play a NHL game.

He gets the details, grabs his stuff from his locker and then he practically floats home and calls everyone he knows and makes them promise to come to his first game. Which is against Montréal. 

Against Patrick Roy. 

Holy shit.

****************************

The NHL is… everything he thought it would be. Faster, tougher, amazing.

The devils don't have a good season but they give their all and Danny can do nothing less. He might only be a stand-in, but he'll be damned if he doesn't prove that he could be so much more.

And then, because it seems life wasn't perfect enough already, he meets Steve.


	2. Chapter 2

They're in Landover for the weekend and for once the team has cause for celebration because they managed a rare win, against the Capitals of all teams. Unbelievable, as far as Danny is concerned, even more so that he had an active hand it that win. Most of the guys are already showered and dressed, ready to leave the stadium and Danny isn't far behind.

It's pure luck that he manages to escape the trainers as quickly as he does, but poor Martin was easy pickings not only because of his goaly gear but also because of his limp. Made it easy for the new guy who took a puck to the ribs to disappear before he was prodded to death by the team doctor. 

So here he is now, standing in front of the club Scott told him the guys would go to after the game, trying to decide if he wants to head back to his room or celebrate this sweet win he had a hand in, when he sees it. Or rather hears it.

"Eeny, meeny, miny, moe, Catch a tiger by the toe. If he hollers, let him go, Eeny, meeny, miny, moe."

It makes him stops, because it used to be Matty saying that while turning in a circle, dragging his big brother wherever his sticky little finger ended up pointing to.

It's not a little kid saying the rhyme though, but a tall, dark haired young man who, while not turning in circles, is definitely poking his finger back and forth between the roads leading left and right.

It seems the right road ends up the winner and he can't keep in his chuckle any longer, making the man turn around.

He visibly pauses for a second before asking, "What's so funny?" and Danny can't contain the mirth bubbling up in him, chuckling again before answering, "Sorry, I didn't want to eavesdrop but I was just passing you on my way inside when you started mumbling. You seriously just used a counting rhyme to decide where to go, didn't you?"

And then. Wow. They guy blushes and it makes Danny freeze up because…

Well, the guy is good-looking and tall, but that rosy dusting which can hardly be seen in the light of the street lamps makes him also look innocent and endearing and fuck going back to his room. He knows what he wants now. Or rather, whom.

And so he allows his real smile to come out, the one his mum tells him makes him look like his father, holds out his hand and simply says: "I'm Danny."

Again, there's a pause, but then the guy pulls himself together, shakes the offered hand and answers, "I'm Steve, nice to meet you."

The handshake lasts longer than normal, but Danny sure as hell doesn't mind, enjoying instead the feeling of the large hand dwarfing his in size while matching it in strength.

As all good things do though, the hand shake ends after a few seconds and unwilling to let this chance meeting end so soon, he can't help asking, "Why are you leaving already? It's early and my friends said this club is 'in' at the moment."

"It's not bad. But too many people for me tonight. I was planning to go find a bar and grab a beer or something. Maybe with some music but definitely fewer people."

Fewer people. Right. Danny can do fewer people. Preferable narrow it down to two, he thinks, while he feels a smile growing on his face that hopefully isn't as sleazy at it feels.

"You know what, I feel like less people too. Would you mind if I tag along?"

The young man kind of shakes his head, and to be honest, that can't really be taken as agreement, but Danny is nothing if not a steamroller when he wants something and so he feels no shame at all when he keeps charging on.

"Cool, awesome. Lemme tell my friends, and then we can be off. Wait here?"

"Yeah, I'll wait." 

It's more of a croak than anything else, and Danny can't stop grinning while he skips into the club.

In theory, he could just not show up but for a new guy it's better to imply that he's hooking up than to come across as standoffish. Well that, and there's Scott who will worry as every captain does when his new chickens are unaccounted for.

So he dutifully trots over to the large corner table where half the team seems to be sitting at, drinking their weight in alcohol.

"Scott?"

The tall Canadian turns in his chair and looks up at him, a grin creeping on his face.

"Danno! I was starting to get worried. C'mon, sit down. We have to celebrate that crazy dive of yours!"

It's impossible to remain stoic in the face of so much enthusiasm and so he doesn't even try. Any other night, he would love to join them, soak up the feeling of a team that accepts him although they hardly know him yet.

But not tonight. 

"I'll pass, if it's okay with you. I found myself a private celebration, I think."

This time, he aims for a sleazy grin and seems to succeed because the guys sitting around Scott who heard him, whistle and hoot, but while Scott smiles he also looks worried. 

"Don't worry about me. I'll be back on time for the bus tomorrow, you won't have to go looking for me."

And Scott should know that that's true, because they share a room and in the few weeks Danny has been part of the team, he hasn't be late for anything yet.

It seems his captain does know, because while the worry doesn't entirely disappear from his eyes, his grin brightens again and he claps Danny's shoulder.

"In that case, have fun, Danno. We'll see you tomorrow then."

And under more hooting, Danny nearly runs back out again to where Steve is, hopefully, still waiting for him. 

"Hey, sorry for the wait. So, were are we going? I've never been here before so I have no idea."

"That makes two of us, my friends and I also only came for the game."

They end up walking down the road Steve had decided on earlier and Danny can't help wanting to know more about the guy. It makes him feel giddy, in a way he can't explain. Might be, that in a weird sort of way this feel nearly like a… date. Something he's never had before when another guy was involved. 

"So, what are you doing? College? I mean, how old are you even?"

He glances up at Steve and can't help the thrill he feels about how far he has to look up. 

"I'm eighteen."

"Hey, same as me. I'm born August twenty-third, 1976."

Steve stops in his tracks and stares at Danny.

"Twenty-fourth. Same month, same year."

And Danny just laughs because what are the chances? and holds up his fist for a bump. This looks more and more as if it's fate trying to make this the most awesome year ever.

"That’s a sign, buddy. C'mon, next bar we pass, I'll buy you a drink. Honestly, how fucking cool is that?"

Fifteen minutes later they finally manage to find a bar that's dimly lit, old wood paneling and jukebox music and a bartender that pretends that the both of them are of age when they order a beer before settling into a small corner booth. 

"So, like, what are you doing? I asked earlier already, but then I got stuck on our birthdays and I'm not always that good with keeping things in mind. My ma tells me I have a memory like a sieve but that's just unfair, you know? I just don't always have the attention span, or whatever. And sorry, I talk a lot. Just tell me to shut up if you need some breathing space or want to say something or whatever."

And yep, here he goes again but it makes Steve laugh into his beer, or rather choke on it and that makes Danny laugh in turn because he's nothing if not gleeful.

"I don't mind, don't worry." And with a shy smile he continues, "I like listening to you, I'm not much for talking. So, I'm going to Annapolis. Second year."

Danny freezes for a moment, before giving Steve a guarded look, because fuck. That smile. But also, Navy. This guy can probably kill him with a paperclip and chewing gum if he wants to. 

"That's the Naval Academy, right?" 

He can't help that he suddenly sounds serious but he can't deny he's disappointed. Only, there's suddenly a leg rubbing against his, making him freeze.

So he fixes his gaze on Steve, trying to see who knows what and ends up finding it in Steve's smile, which is full of sweetness in its hesitancy. 

It's what makes him relax and continue their conversation.

"Do you like it?"

"All in all, yeah. I'm originally from Hawaii and I never really wanted to leave, but in the end this is fine. I want to become a SEAL, you know? And Annapolis is an important step on the way there."

"A SEAL, huh," Danny says and swirls his beer a bit.

Then he looks up and says, "I'm playing hockey" because let's be honest, he can't exactly boast about an open-minded work environment either. 

Steve doesn't seem to get the hint though, because he only answers, "I kind of know? I was at the game today."

Danny is silent for a second before deciding to be more blunt., "There's a ‘Don't Ask Don't Tell’ in hockey too, you know."

And that seems to make it click for Steve.

"That's fine. We both have something to lose but neither of us will tell. Isn't it kind of perfect?"

It is. It is indeed and so he puts on his special smile because they have time now, both sure now about how the night will end. It feels awesome, to have none of these teenager insecurities flying around for once.

"So, Steven. How did you like us kicking your ass?"

"It was my first hockey game. And I was rooting for you the whole evening."

And damn. As if the words weren't enough there's also that endearingly shy smile again.

Hook, line, sinker, Danny thinks.

Hook, line, sinker.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was on a much needed vacation. Also, please excuse the unsexiness of this chapter. I'm starting to think I'm not made to write smut.

They probably spend the next hour with Danny educating Steve about the fine sport of ice hockey while also making fun of him for not knowing about it in the first place.

He's liberated some toothpicks to demonstrate a power play setup when he notices that Steve is not really listening. Which might be okay normally because he seems to be busy staring at Danny but at this point Danny sees it as his civic duty to guide this poor, football orientated oaf to the light side. 

"And then I go and do this."

The plan was to hit the small paper ball that serves as a makeshift-puck but instead he pokes Steve's hand.

"Fuck, ouch. Why'd you do that?"

"'cause you're not listening to me."

Steve coughs and tries to look… something. Danny has no idea what he was going for, because the expression immediately turns into a grin. It's unbelievable but this guy has a goofy side that doesn't really fit his appearance. 

"So, forget strategies. Explain to me how it is that you're only eighteen and already starter up for a NHL game. You that good?"

Danny can't help but laugh.

"God, no. New Jersey got hit by a wave of injuries and I got called up to fill in for a few games. I mean, I'm doing my best, you know? Gotta show what I can do 'cause this could be my big chance. I'm a decent defense player but certainly not the next Gretzky or something."

"The next what?"

And wow. Forget about power play rules. They got to remedy the Gretzky situation right now, because Danny refuses to do anything with someone that doesn't know about the world wonder that is named Wayne Gretzky. Danny had principles, okay?

So the next thirty minutes, Danny tries to educate Steve about a still playing legend while trying not to touch upon the topics of Roy and Lemieux because that would probably end in tears.

"You have a giant crush on that man!", the other man says after a while and Danny can feel the blush creeping onto his cheeks but refuses to look away, instead muttering, "Everyone who likes hockey probably does."

But then he looks straight at Steve, leans over and whispers into his ear: "But at the moment, my eyes are only on you."

And damn, that was totally uncool and cheesy and… it seems to be working because Steve finishes his beer, licks his lips and then gives Danny a slow once over.

"So, how are we doing this? I obviously don't have a place here and I can't bring you on campus."

Laughing, Danny shakes his head.

"As if I could go there. I just have tonight and that’s only because we won. I'm sharing a hotel room so that's a no-no, too. Let's go grab a cheap room for tonight, hm?"

And that's it.

It's so fucking easy with Steve, and Danny is amazed, because while it's not that hard to find guys to hook up with he always has to be careful, has to think about where and when and who because it could cost him everything he has if someone recognized him. Or simply was homophobic enough to bash his head in.

Not this time though. Steve has just as much to lose and that makes him feel safe in itself.

**************************

They have to wander a bit further outside the city center before they manage to find a cheap by-the-hour that won't care that it's two guys taking a room.

Still, better safe than sorry and so Danny asks Steve to get the room because of the two of them, only he had his face plastered to TV screens recently.

So Steve goes up to the bored looking guy sitting up front and rents a room for the night. The hotel employee never looks up, never asks for ID and that in itself shows that they won't have a problem from that side.

So Danny waits until Steve has the key safely in his hands before casually joining him on the way to the elevator.

It's only when they doors are about to close on them, that his hand shoots out to hold them open and panic grips him. 'No glove, no love' as his very upfront, and consequently nearly fired biology teacher Mr. Mazetti had told his class once. 

It had stuck with him, because one hour of pictures and descriptions of various STD's and pregnancies no one was prepared for, were enough to reinforce the need for condoms on impressionable minds. 

"Condoms. Shit, gimme the room number, and I'll be right back."

It's only fair that it's him going, because he knows Steve was nervous about getting the key and so it's his turn to do something uncomfortable while Steve heads up to the room to wait for him.

He debates for a second asking the receptionist about a nearby 24/7 but doesn't in the end, for the same reason he didn't grab the keys. Instead, he head back out and stops the first person that crosses his way and get's lucky. Not only is it a local who is able to give accurate directions but it seems there's one nearby.

He doesn't want to Steve waiting for too long, so he makes himself jog although it's hell on his ribs and his feet. Never mind the puck to his torso, don't run with rarely worn dress-shoes.

The small shop itself is pretty unspectacular and thankfully empty aside from the cashier. Thank god for small mercies because while Danny got over the urge to wait for other customers to leave when he bought condoms a few months ago he's still a bit embarrassed by buying them because they practically scream that he's getting some.

Still, he's not yet at the point where he can continentally meet the cashiers eyes, which he hopes changes with age.

So instead he keeps his eyes on the money, grabs the bag when it's pushed over and leaves a bit faster than he would if he had bought a coke.

It's not only the embarrassment that makes him hurry, but also the thought of what is waiting for him back at the hotel. So he quickens his steps some more and if his knock on the rooms door is a bit impatient when he's back at the hotel, well, who can blame him?

He's still not entirely sure that the Steve is not just a figment of his imagination so better bag him while he can.

Steve is fast in answering the door and Danny unceremoniously throws the bag with the supplies onto the bed, before starting in on his shirt and it's millions of buttons while also toeing off his shoes and socks.

The other man is already ahead of him, shoes and sock already off, upper body only clad in an undershirt and ready for ogling. Not that Danny really gets the chance, because rather unfairly, his hands are stopped. It's okay though, because instead he's getting the kiss of a lifetime.

It's a bit uncoordinated at first what with both of them trying to get the upper hand and it's so absurd, that they have to take a break to laugh.

In the end, Steve asks softy "Let me?" and it's not easy to say yes, if Danny is honest. He has never not let this dance the few times he has done it, but the way Steve asks, and the way he looks at him, he suddenly wants to give in.

Also, there's the thought that he'll never live it down if he chips a tooth from bad kissing instead of a puck.

So he gives a slight nod and when they try it again it goes unsurprisingly much better.

It takes some effort to stop his tongue from pushing forward but once he focuses on the way it feels to be caressed, it's suddenly the easiest thing in the world to just let go.

Till is neck starts to cramp, that is. It's not easy to keep his head tilted up all the time and so he's not complaining when Steve moves them slowly backwards towards the bed.

He stumbles backwards and is suddenly ripped from the pleasurable haze he's in by the worst creaking ever.

He can't stop the yelp that escapes and jump probably a foot high, looking widely around while Steve, that jerk, just laughs at him.

“Relax, Danny. It’s just the bed.”

“You could have warned me. You totally knew that…”

Steve doesn’t let him finish, instead he claims his mouth once again and swallows all of Danny’s words in another breathtaking kiss. Which would be awesome, but Danny is not getting younger and much as he'd love, he doesn't have all the time in the world.

And so Danny lets his hands start to wander, slipping under Steve’s shirt and gently mapping his back. It feels good, satiny warm skin covering hard muscles and oddly delicate feeling bone structure. It fits though. Danny saw Steve's wrist, the guy is fine boned.

Steve tugs them both into a sitting position and with quick movements frees them both of their upper body clothing but what could be sexy is halted by the man's gasp when he sees the bruises that are starting to show as usual after a game.

“Danny, you should have said. I was fucking lying on you, didn’t it hurt?”

He lifts a finger to Steve's his lips to silence him and then presses a gentle kiss to the corner of his mouth.

“Babe, calm down. They’re just bruises, I’m used to them. They look worse than they are, trust me. If you leave the one where I took the puck alone,” he indicates the darkest one on the left side of his belly, “then everything is okay. Got it?”

Steve nods, before running his fingers in a featherlike caress above the indicated place as if to memorize where not to touch before he gently lowers Danny back onto the mattress and dives right into the exploration of Danny’s chest and his nipples which are very appreciative of the attention.

Very, very appreciative. Like, direct connection to his cock, and when Steve's hands are suddenly at his zipper, he has to push them away because no way is he letting this end so soon.

“Babe, I’m eighteen and you’re not helping my non-existent teenage control. No way am I coming in my pants when I have no change of clothing here.”

He delicately wriggles himself out of his trousers and seconds after, he’s naked. If there's one thing hockey locker rooms thought him, it's how not to be body shy, erection or not.

Steve gaps at him for a second before trying the same maneuver, only less gracefully, getting tangled up with one leg and ending up falling rather gracelessly onto Danny, making him gasp for breath and laugh at the same time.

It might seem ridiculous and unsexy, the way they’re giggling like kids while hard against each other’s belly, but it’s also fun and if there's one thing that stuck with Danny after the awkward sex talk with his dad, than that sex should be fun.

Eventually the laughter trails off and they lazily kiss instead while debating jerking each other off as a starter. Danny stops that argument thought before it can really begin. 

“I can rub one out on my own. I wanna get fucked tonight, multiple times if possible.”

And okay, that's forward, even for him, but it makes Steve laugh again and the man grabs the bag Danny has brought back from the drug store.

Before long, there's first one finger and then a second when Danny asks for it. Getting a third finger nearly takes some begging and then Steve. Just. Won't. Stop. Teasing!

Which, enough is enough.

He sneaks his hand down between them and then he Steve's by the balls in a very literal way and squeezing gently he husks, “Now. Or I’ll rip these off.” 

It definitely get's Steve started and for a while they seem to be on track but then the condom is flying across the room like a tiny UFO and… well. It's really funny, okay? The giggling this time is definitely justified.

But where's one condom there are usually more or there better be, since Danny bought a pack of twenty and finally, _finally_ , Steve slides into him and proceeds to literally rock his world, creaking bed frame, banging headboard and all.

Lying down with Steve cradled between his legs, their height difference balances out perfectly now, their mouths meeting without effort. 

Danny is surrounded by the tall man, filled everywhere it counts in that moment, and it feel perfect enough to make him want to stay like this forever.


	4. Chapter 4

Danny wakes up early, earlier than Steve at least, and a quick glance at his watch tells him that they still have time so he allows himself the pleasure of just lying on his side and looking at Steve who's stretched out next to him, looking relaxed and a bit like a starfish. 

He reaches out with on hand and gently touches sleep warm skin, tracing gentle patterns across the broad back of the other man, all the while feeling lazy enough that he could easily fall back asleep, but he's too scared, unsure if Steve is naturally inclined to sleep in and he can't chance missing his bus later on.

So he focuses on the slight touches and, when Steve's eyelids start to flutter, on the others impossible long eyelashes. He helps him wake up by gently tracing his nose and cheekbones, sliding further down his cheek and jaw and finally leans in to press a gently kiss to the slightly open mouth, before leaning back and smiling gently at his bed partner when his eyes slowly start blinking to gain focus.

For a second, he can only see confusion in Steve's face but then they clear and crinkle up in an impossible gentle and joyful smile and for a second Danny can't breathe. It feels like being hit by a truck and it shouldn't, not really, because they only met yesterday and what does Danny really know about this guy?

And so he pushes the feeling down where he can ignore it and instead leans in to lazily steal another kiss, ignoring the less than stellar taste of morning breath.

They get each other off with slow hand jobs and then once again in the tiny shower their room provides, getting dirty and clean all while trying not to break their necks.

By then it's nearly ten and they will have to vacate the room soon even if he'd love to stay here forever, so both of them start getting dressed, Steve faster than him because, again, damn buttons.

"Danny?"

His eyes snap to Steve who's sitting on their sleep rumpled bed and staring at him with serious but uncertain eyes.

"It's only noon. I have till 1600. Do you…have time to maybe grab something to eat with me?"

Danny can feel his fingers flutter for a moment to suppress his first instinct, which is to grab Steve's face and kiss him again, but he stops himself, because, what are they doing here? This doesn't feel like a one nightstand, never did if Danny is really honest with himself. So the question is, what does he want this to be then? Or rather, does he want to end this nice and clean or…

"Yes, I'd like that." 

It's barely more than a breath and apparently his heart knows better than his brain but he won't mind if it get's Steve to smile like this at him.

"Then let's go. My treat."

"My my, Mr. McGarrett. Is this a date?"

Danny curses himself as soon as the words start to leave his mouth but there's no way to take them back. Steve though only takes Danny's smaller hand into his and gently squeezes it. And even if he let's go as soon as they're out of the door, he keeps so close to Danny that it barely feels different.

Their hands keep brushing and it's not perfect, not as it would be with a girl who he could tug into his side and hold hands with but he'll take what he can get. This is already more than he ever dared to dream of having with another guy.

**************************

They go to a small diner to grab a late breakfast in a partly hidden corner booth and while Steve tries to hide it, he's constantly checking his watch, probably to keep an eye on the time so Danny won't miss the team bus which will leave in about three hours.

"Babe, stop looking, okay? Let's just enjoy our meal and the time we have together."

Reluctantly, Steve nods and squeezes Danny's fingers for a moment before detangling their hands and returning to his meal.

"What the fuck is this by the way? I'll never let you order for me again."

Steve leans back and stares at both their plates, forehead wrinkling.

"What? It's an egg white omelet. And whole-wheat bread. And milk."

Danny can't help staring at him, because seriously? He's an athlete, he needs calories, even his meal plan looks better than this and that in itself is telling.

"It's fucking disgusting, is what it is. I'm on a nutrition plan and while that is mostly disgusting too, it has never dropped to egg white omelets and toast without anything on it. And fucking milk! I'm not a kid, you know." 

He might also still feel a bit betrayed by the promises milk made about his height and didn't keep, but whatever. But since it's already ordered and on the table, he tucks in anyway. His family wasn't poor exactly, but sometimes money was tight and you simply ate what was put in front of you without complaining. 

"You know, for a little guy who proclaims to not like what he has on his plate you're really fast with making it disappear."

Danny laughs and winks at him, answering "Just trying to swallow it as a whole so I don't have to taste it. You finished? If you want, we can take a walk. If you want to, that is. Otherwise we could just…say goodbye, I guess."

He knows his words are hesitant and low but he can't help it. For some reason, he doesn't want this to end, doesn't want to leave, doesn't want Steve to leave. He has no idea what's going on anymore but he stops worrying about it the moment Steve says "Yeah, let's go for a walk. You won't get into trouble?"

Then, he can only and shake his head.

"Maybe a bit. But it's worth it. As long as I'm back in time to grab my bag before the team leaves, everything is okay."

They stroll around for a bit and manage to find a small park and further in a bench surrounded by bushes. They sit as close together as they dare, ever mindful of the few people that pass by but their hands keep brushing between them like the shy teenagers they still kind of are, and they talk.

Danny likes to talk, he's not shy about it, but he's also aware that not everyone can stand it. But Steve is good about it, seemingly happy to let him ramble while sharing enough to not make the conversation feel one-sided.

And then he goes and tugs the carpet from beneath Danny's feet.

"You know, it's a pity you're playing a sport that only cares about your body. I'm pretty sure you could to whatever you wanted with this brain of yours. What are you doing playing ice hockey?"

And Danny knows he's not dumb but the only people who ever told him this directly where his parents, and parents kind off had to think that their kids are smart.

"My dad said the same. He wanted me to do something else, and to not be dependent on a job that will toss me out if my body isn’t working as it should anymore. But ice hockey… it's what I fucking love, man, you know? And in the end, my dad let me be. Even if he makes comments. I'm not a real part of the NHL yet so my pay is kind of shitty, but it's worth it to just be able to do what I love."

Steve's gaze drift from Danny to something only he can see, before replying "My dad is kind of the same? Though I think he's maybe proud of me wanting to become a SEAL? I don't know, we don't talk much."

Turning his head to meet Steve's eyes, Danny frowns.

"You don't?"

There's silence for a few seconds and in a show of silent support, Danny covers Steve's hand with his.

"My mom died a few years ago. And he just shipped me and my sister off. I don't… well. I haven't talked to him much since then."

And wow, what a dickhead. But the dickhead is Steve's father, so all Danny does his tighten his grip and say: "That's harsh."

They continue to sit in silence, just enjoying the breeze and the sounds of the leaves rustling, but there comes the point where Danny can't ignore that he has to leave _now_ if he doesn't want to be in deep shit with the trainers. 

"I think I have to get going in a bit."

Steve doesn't reply, but for a second he nearly crushes Danny's fingers with his, a seemingly silent denial of the words spoken. And Danny can't help but return the squeeze, whispering "I know, babe. Don't want to go either."

"This wasn't supposed to happen. I was planning on a quick fuck.", he mumbles to himself but it did and he doesn't want to change this chance meeting.

But is it really possible for two men to have more than sex in rented rooms? From what he experienced up till now, it doesn't seem likely. The world is not kind yet, might not ever be.

In the end, it's Coach Adam's words though that make the decision for him. There's always half a chance of success to be had, but only if you try.

And so he untangles their hands, stands and faces Steve.

"Gimme your address," he demands, and even if he doesn't feel like laughing, he can't deny that it's funny to see Steve look flabbergasted.

"Give you my… Give you my what? My address? Why?"

"Obviously, so I can write to you. If I stay on this team – which I really, really hope I will - I might come to Landover more often. Or I could… I could just come to visit at times and you could maybe visit me? Or we could just write and keep in contact through letters. If you want to, that is."

And there it is again, the insecurity sneaking into his voice without his permission, but he wants this more than he thought and…

"Let's do that."

Steve's voice is sure, his hand steady when he writes the address down onto the receipt from the drug store.

"I promise I'll write to you when I'm back home, you'll have my address then."

And then it's already time to say goodbye, the kiss Danny would like to steal not possible, and so he settles for an awkward hug before jogging into the direction of his hotel to meet the team.

He arrives earlier than he thought he would, the bus not pulled up yet, and so he silently sneaks past the concierge and to his room on the second floor.

He's fumbling for his key when the door opens from the inside and he's faced with Scott's judging eyes.

"Cutting it close, Danno."

He can't help wincing, because not only is Scott Captain, he's also a dad and has the 'I'm disappointed in you' tone down to a T.

"Sorry, Scotty. Won't happen again, I promise."

His captain sighs but moves aside, letting him into the room.

"You're a good kid, Danny. I'm sure it won't."

And that's all the Canadian says about it, so Danny quickly changes into different cloths before stuffing all his stuff into his suitcase, finishing just in time to head down with his roommate.

A close call indeed, but none of the trainers say anything to him, so Danny guesses his captain made some kind of excuse for him when the room were checked last night, and Danny promises himself that he'll offer to play baby sitter for the Stevens family.

And then the whole team's in the bus, heading towards the airport, and while usually Danny would be talking to whoever couldn't escape fast enough, he instead pulls out his walkman, pops in the mix-tape Stella made for his birthday and closes his eyes, loosing himself in memories of last night and Steve.


	5. Chapter 5

By a stroke of luck, they have the next day off and so, bruised and aching body or not, Danny rolls out of bed early and hops on the bus to visit his family. It's hard to believe sometimes that he gets to play in the city his family lives in, he knows most of his teammates are hours if not entire continents apart from their parents.

He gets off one stop early because it's a really nice day and he plans to get some stationary. No ripped of sheet of paper for Steve. At least for the first letter.

There are multiple sets, envelopes and pen and all, and he ends up grabbing one of those in a nice neutral white. And if it's a twenty letter sheet set, well, let's say he hopes this will last. 

After, he grabs himself a donut although that's a no-no but who's there to stop him, and slowly wanders towards his parents house.

His siblings will be at school at this time of day but his mom will be awake and if he's lucky, dad will have the day off. He meets Mrs. O'Brien on the way and because his mom raised him right, he grabs her shopping bags for her and walks her home first.

Which is how he learns about the 'nice young man' who started to walk his sister home from school. And no, not Stella who's fifteen although Mrs. O'Brien's daughter saw her grab ice cream with another 'nice young man' last week.

No, she's talking about Allison, who's only thirteen and should still be playing with toys instead of being walked home by pimply, smelly boys.

He definitely dropped the ball here but that's easily enough fixed.

Danny drops off Mrs. O'Brien, declines offers of coffee and instead heads towards his parents and let's himself in.

Soft music sounds through the house and yes, dad is home because he smells coffee and his mom only grabs breakfast this late when it's the two of them. And since he already knows what he'll find, he toes of his shoes silently and sneaks towards the kitchen to spy for just a little bit and yes, they're at it again.

It's been the same since he can't remember. Give these two some music and enough room and they'll be slow dancing. There's his mom, his height but with dark hair, cradled by his dad who is tall enough to rest his blonde head on hers. They don't really dance, but they sway and shuffle and it's sweet enough to invoke diabetes. From time to time there will be kisses pressed on hair and softly murmured words but mostly there's just the music and them.

Danny knows that most of his friends complain when their parents are doing gross stuff but for Danny, it only ever was a reassurance. His parents love each other, isn't that how it's supposed to be? 

In the last two years though, jealousy and anxiety made his heart ache in a weird way whenever he sees them like this. Because he wants this. He wants this so bad and he's so afraid that he'll never have this.

Pushing the feelings aside, he finally enters the kitchen with a light knock on the door. Both of them look towards him, not surprised at all so they probably heard the front door, before they untangle and then his mom is pressing kisses to his cheek.

"Daniel, you're home! Your father and I are about to have some breakfast, do you want some?"

There will be bacon and eggs and a whole lot of stuff he shouldn't eat, especially since he already had the donut but he'll just jog another round tonight.

"Yes, please."

She smiles and bustles off to set another plate out and now it's his father's turn. He's dragged into a quick hug and then gently held away by his shoulders and given a once over.

"Are you okay, Danno? I saw the game and that puck looked like it hurt."

And it's funny, in a way. Here's his dad who has two daughters to fuss over and instead is fixated on his first born. Oh, he fusses over them alright, but the one he always seems to worry the most about has always been Danny. 

'It's because you're our first and decided to come to us early. You nearly fit into one of your fathers hands,' his mom used to tell him 

He suffered it with ill grace as a teen but as he had gotten older, he also learned to be patient as needed and so he just grins and pats his dad's shoulder.

"You know we wear protective armor, Dad. I got a small bruise but that's all. Now, tell me, how are the guys at the fire station?"

The three of them sit down and he's filled in on all the gossip in the neighborhood and at the station, while he tells them about the cities he has seen since his last visit. Then his mom starts clearing the table and he ends up helping his father carry out the old washing machine from the basement and installing the new one. Afterwards, he leaves his dad to tinker around and instead grabs a drink from the kitchen where his mom is folding clothes.

He grabs the towels because he's sure as hell not folding his sisters bras and starts watching the clock and the window that's facing the front yard.

"What time do the kids get home these days? I'd like to see all of them."

"Matty will be the latest today, he has baseball practice right after school till six. Stella should be home around three and Allison should be home in an hour or so. So if you want to intimidate the boy that's brought her home recently, you still have time."

The groan that escapes him blends in with her laughter and when he lets his head hit the table, her hand ruffles his hair.

"It's just puppy love, Daniel. Don't scare him off or make your sister cry, you hear me?"

He mumbles out a "Yes, Mum." before starting in on the towels again. Maybe he'll pick up Matty later on and grab some pizza with him. It's been a while since he was able to spent some time with his little brother. Also, that will give him time to talk to both of sisters. Puppy love, sure.

****************************

_...and then she called me a meanie, Steve, can you believe it? I just told him to make sure that his grubby little hands wouldn't touch her. And Stella was even worse, told me it's none of my business who she's having ice cream with. I tell you, little sisters have no respect for their big brothers anymore. Now I had to bribe Matty to keep an eye on Stella and tell me who she's seeing so we can have a talk._

_And the little bugger made me buy him pizza, ice cream and made me promise to take him to the arcade before he promised!_

_I wish I could just take him whenever, I know he misses me but sometimes it feels as if all I do is sleep, eat, skate._

_Anyway, that's it for now. I wrote down my address on the back of the letter, so I expect a reply ASAP, you hear me?_

_Yours (I guess),  
Danny_

_PS: Matty made me show him my bruises. Thank gods he's too young to know a hickey when he sees it._

That was how it started. It only took a few days for Steve's letter to arrive and then they just kept going. He learned about the mess that was the McGarrett family and if he ever met Steve's father, they were going to have words.

_...she wouldn't talk to me, but Aunt Debbie said she was nearly kicked out of school. I feel as if I'm losing her completely, Danny. Dad's doing nothing and I can't because I'm so far away. Do you think I should maybe take a semester off?..._

-

_...and can you believe it? He didn't stop when she told him no, so naturally I had to break his nose. Well, and then Stella kneed him in the balls like I showed her. She nearly hit me too, because she says I was stalking her but then she cried and hugged me so I guess she's not too mad..._

-

_...swear I just want to sleep forever. There are so many exams and exercises and all I want is to go home and enjoy some waves..._

****************************

The make it through sixteen letters before Danny get's send down again because the guy he was replacing is allowed back on the ice and he's told to grab his things.

He puts on a brave face, thanks Coach for the opportunity and grabs one last drink with the team. Then he gets his stuff from Scott's house and takes a taxi home to his parents, from where he'll leave for his aunts tomorrow.

His siblings and his mom are in bed already but there's still a light on in the living room and there's his dad still waiting up for him.

And suddenly all he wants is to burry himself in his dads arms because he got to live his dream for a short little while and now it's been taken away and he doesn't know if he'll ever get it back.

He feels his mask crumble and all he gets out is "Just… I had… _Dad._ " and then he's on the sofa too and in his father's arms and even if there aren't any tears, he still can't stop his trembling.

Today, he'll allow himself this. And tomorrow, he'll go back to his old team and play the best hockey he can. 

****************************

The letter after the sent down takes a bit because he's not sure what to write. In the end, it's one of his shortest to date, just a short explanation and his new address.

Steve's reply in turn is one of the longest yet and while you can feel how awkward he must have been feeling while writing it, Danny can also tell that he has meant every word and suddenly he wants to see him so badly it hurts.

It takes a lot of organizing but they find a weekend where they both are off and Danny goes up to Annapolis to visit him. He's better prepared this time, brings lube and condoms himself and they spent the entire two weeks in bed. There's sex and cuddling and long shower in the way to small stall of the hotel room Steve rented for them.

They only talk about meaningless things and it's exactly what Danny needed. And when it's time to leave and they share one last kiss in the bedroom, there's an ache in his chest that makes him think that this could be so much more. Maybe already is.

It's oddly fitting that it's the last paper of the stationary set where he hints at what he's feeling.

_…I used to feel jealous when watching them dance, you know? Because I want to love and be loved like this and never thought it possible. Only now, I think maybe it's not. Impossible, that is. Because I see you and… damn it, I hope you know what I mean. Do you know what I mean?..._

****************************

After three weeks, there's still no reply.


	6. Chapter 6

_...and I caught Matty the little weasel selling his test answers to some classmates. We had a long talk and I really hope that will be it, I don't want to rat him out to mom. And Allison was awesome during her recital and I'm sure we all embarrassed her with how loud we were cheering. Did you hear from Mary or your Aunt?…_

-

_…this is the sixth letter you haven't replied to, Steve. I'm ~~worried~~ starting to get worried about you, did they send you to some secret training island or something? Don't make me come up there…_

-

_…I wish you would answer my letters. I'm worried about you but I'm also wondering if you're maybe ignoring me because of what I wrote about. If it is, I'm sorry, okay? Just, please answer me, Steve. I mean, we're friends too, right? And I'm okay with simply being your friend, I won't mention the other stuff again if you don't want me to. This is the ninth letter and I hope you'll reply to this one. The next one might take a bit because I'm being called up again so please reply to the first address we used, okay?…_

****************************

He seems to be the only one surprised that he's being called up again. His AHL coach tells him that he did an impressive job while playing for the main team and that it's simply showing that the important people noticed. 

Sure, he's a replacement again but he's the one chosen out of all the team and he can't help feeling excited.

It's a dampened feeling though because these days his mind is never far from a certain young man, hours away. He's worried and… other touchy feely stuff he doesn't want to discuss but he knows it shows.

He hasn't lost weight or anything, he's an athlete with a carefully planned diet and training schedule but he has dark circles under his eyes because he doesn't sleep much and these days he has to force himself to keep up his aimless chatter if only to keep the dark thoughts away. 

Because fuck, he didn't even spell out his feelings and the way it looks the guy ran for the hills anyway. Only, that's not like Steve at all. Steve is gentle in a way that wouldn't allow him to act like a jerk and they're friends. Friends like them should be able to overcome a small little hurdle like one-sided feelings.

He grabs the big back with all his gear and the suitcase with his clothes and then heads downstairs where he presses a kiss to his aunts cheek before hopping into the car for the drive to Jersey.

It's been nearly three months now since Steve's last letter and he has avoided going home for two because his mom sees things she shouldn't. He called regularly but he knows his Aunt Molly called them sometimes and they Talk. There's no avoiding them now though, because if he doesn't come home when he's in the same city, they'll know for sure that something is up.

It takes about four hours to go there and he drops in at Scott's first. He gets the same room as last time and gratefully accepts because it means he doesn't have to claim his old room back from Stella.

After, he makes himself drive over to his parents, timed to hopefully arrive with his siblings and luck for once is with him because he pulls up just when Allison rounds the corner, starting to run towards his car when she recognizes it.

He has time to get out but then she's on him and hugging him and squealing and wow, she's loud.

"Danno! You haven't been home in forever."

He can't help but laugh because she can be so dramatic, no wonder she's in the drama club of her school.

"You saw me a few weeks ago, squirt. And I called a lot, remember?"

She's pouting up at him and gives him an extra hard squeeze before releasing him.

"It's not the same, though. I'm glad you'll be home and nearby now. Daddy said we'll watch your home games."

He takes her school bag and the both of them head towards the front door which is already open and filled by his mom.

He's getting hugged again before he knows it and c'mon, it's not as if he was gone for a year or so.

"Mom, I need to breath. Please?"

Her answer is to press a kiss to his cheek and give him a long look but then she shuffles both of her kids into her kitchen where she makes Danny help Allison with her homework.

The next to come home is Matty and then Stella and soon it's the four of them playing cards in the kitchen while mom get's started on dinner.

He offers to help but she just gives him a blinding smile that tells him more than anything else that she missed having all of her kids around her and suddenly he really wants to hug her. But then it's his turn and she focuses again on whatever it is that smells so good and the moment is gone.

His dad comes home last and then it's all six of them around the table, laughing and talking and it makes Danny feel better in the way only family can. He can do this. And he'll be able to fix this with Steve. 

****************************

Danny hadn't planned to stay as long as he does but suddenly it's dark outside, his siblings all in bed or getting ready for it and it's only him and his parents left in the living room.

He knows what an intervention by them looks like but before he can make an escape, the living room door closes and his father's heavy hand pressed him back down into his seat. They sit next to each other, an united front that's not just for show, is just how they are and seeing them like this hurts more than it did before the mess with Steve.

Something must show on his face because his mum grips his father's arm for a second before focusing on Danny.

"We're worried, Daniel. Molly says you haven't been…well, recently. And you didn't come home in over a month."

He rubs his eyes and sighs.

"Mum, c'mon. I live four hours away and I haven't been home in one months? That's not exactly a reason to worry."

"It is when you usually make it home the moment you have a day off. Molly says you spent a lot of time in your room and… you don't look good, baby. You father and I are worried about you."

And damn, it's just not fair. He doesn't want to give them anything and he knows that they trust him enough to not keep digging but they'll be disappointed and think that _he_ doesn't trust _them_. So he ends up giving them a little.

"I met someone, okay? And it's not going so well at the moment."

There's a pause and then he can basically see how his parents posture relaxes in relieve. His dad cracks a smile and says "We weren't sure what to expect but I'm glad it's something like this. Do you want to talk about it?"

"To be honest, dad, no. But thanks for offering."

He makes a run for it shortly after and when he's in his room in Scott's house, he wants to start his tenth letter to Steve but he promised himself to wait. Nine unanswered letters are pathetic enough as it is.

Instead he pulls out the schedule for the next five weeks, the time they guy he's replacing will be out.

And it must be fate, because in three weeks time they'll be playing the Caps in Landover. It's where he met Steve and from Landover there will be buses going to Annapolis. Maybe…maybe he'll just go and see Steve, make sure he's okay.

****************************

The next three weeks go by fast and Danny is on a roll. He's collecting points left, right and center, scoring twice and getting assists. It's crazy and the way Coach Lemaire looks at him tells Danny that he has a real chance of staying with the team this time.

There still hasn't been a letter from Steve but they'll be in Landover tomorrow and he has no idea what he'll do without getting into trouble with the team, but he'll do something.

Tonight though, there's one more game in Jersey that he has to play. He always loves playing hockey but there's nothing like playing at home. His family is here and the crowd cheering is his. This is his city and if he has one dream, it's to lift the cup here in this stadium. 

The smell of ice surrounds him, the stadium quiet while the anthem plays and when he looks up to the right, he can see his family. They're wearing his AHL jersey and Matty and Allison are holding up a paper that says "Danno, we love you!" and the make kissy faces when they notice him looking.

He grins around the mouthguard he's chewing on but then the first period starts and he has to focus. For the next ninety minutes, this is all that matters.

****************************

It happens in the second period and it's no-one's fault.

He's following his guys with the puck down the towards the other teams goal when the puck lands on his stick. He's on the left and before he know his, someone crashes into him. It's nothing illegal but it starts up a round of stabbing for the puck and suddenly it's four or five other people with him in the corner.

He changes position to shield the puck with his body from one side but his leg is stuck somewhere between the other bodies and sticks and then he feels a pop and a sudden sharp pain and an involuntary shout escapes him.

It startles the other players enough that they freeze for a second and it's all he needs to free the puck.  
Only, when he tries to follow his knee protests and his leg nearly folds underneath him without his permission. It _hurts_ , deep inside but they're going to win this fucking game and then they' going to Landover and then he'll get to talk to Steve.

He braces his leg and plays through his shift, ignoring the pain as best he can. It's only when he's back at the bench that he signals a trainer and limps towards the locker room. Mike is at his side right away and lifts Danny's arm over his should, taking some of his weight.

"Talk to me, Danny."

"Twisted my knee," he grits out and damn, it hurts worse and worse.

From there it's to the trainers and the doctors and then to the hospital for tests and everything is just wrong, this is not supposed to happen. Danny is an athlete, he's been injured before, had concussions and issues with his wrists but this… Knee injuries are bad, every athlete knows that.

Then his parents are there, Stella outside with the other two and there is a specialist who tells him that he hit jackpot, completely torn ACL, partial torn MCL and meniscus. The doctors talks to the trainers and it's as if Danny isn't even there. They ask for his consent for the operation and he gives it of course but what the hell his happening here? They were supposed to win tonight and travel to Landover tomorrow. He was supposed to see Steve.

They put him under soon after, and when he wakes up, it's slow and it feels as if he's floating somewhere in the sky with Lucy and her Diamonds. His vision is a bit blurry but after some blinking it clears enough to recognize his parents next to him. His mom is asleep curled up in a chair but his father is reading a magazine and when Danny shifts, his gaze snaps towards Danny and he leans forward.

"Hey baby boy, finally awake? Want some water?"

He gratefully takes some sips from a straw because his mouth tastes as if something died in there.

"Wha' time isit, Da?" he croaks.

"Around noon, Danno."

He shifts around, trying to push down the blanket but his dad is able to pin him down with hardly any effort.

"Stop moving, you'll hurt yourself, even if you can't really feel it at the moment."

Exhausted, Danny sinks back into his pillow and can feel sleep creeping up again but he still tries to sleepily explain "Need to catch the bus, dad. 'm supposed to go to Landover and see Steve. 'm supposed to fix us."

****************************

When he wakes up again it's to a nightmare and even thoughts of Steve are pushed aside after talks to his doctors.

Yes, the operation was a success. Removal of tissue here, some screws there, nip and tuck at its finest. Recovery? Sure, nine months or so. Probably longer. No reason why normal physical activities shouldn't be possible after some rehab though.

Professional ice hockey? Well. No, not so much. 

We're sorry.

****************************

_…I don't think I've ever needed a friend more than now. I've never needed you to answer me more…_

It's the tenth letter.

****************************

Some of the team show up, both NHL and AHL but not a lot. Danny understands, he really does. He represents what every professional athlete fears. No one likes to be confronted with his fears.

He's not at his best, he's the first to admit it. With previous injuries, he jumped right into physical therapy, eager to get back to what he loves but this time, why bother? There's no coming back.

His parents get his stuff from Scott's house, Aunt Molly brings his stuff down from Alberta and Stella moves quietly back into Allison's room. And then he's back in his parent's house and feels nothing.

Physical therapy starts right away, thankfully still covered by the club but his heart isn't in it. It hurts, his knee as well as his heart. His parents handle all the paperwork and then, save from a few details, he's not a hockey player anymore. 

There is one day, roughly after three weeks, that's just not good. His physical therapist isn't happy with him because he doesn't do enough exercises. He is, was, a professional athlete. His body is in a shape that should allow him to lose the brace in four weeks but now it looks more like six or seven. Don't you want to learn how to walk normally again, Danny?

Danny's not sure what he wants. Or rather, what he wants he can't have. Never again.

It's a bad combination. Grey sky, aching knee and then his room where someone, probably Matty, had put up some of his trophies and pictures from previous games while he was gone.

He calmly closes and locks his rooms door behind himself, throws his crutches on the bed and limps to the wardrobe in which his hockey gear is hidden. He grabs his stick and then he proceeds to methodically trash his room. His helmet get's thrown across the room and his trophies dent the walls. He smashes the pictures and ignores the frantic banging against his door and his mother's shouts and pleas.

He just doesn't care anymore. He turns around and starts banging his stick against the bed and the floor and whatever he finds. He wants it to break, he doesn't need it anymore, he…

And then it really breaks and his knee buckles as far as it can with the brace on and he crashes to the floor when he loses his balance. He's lying on the floor, hurting like crazy and he's literally surrounded by his broken dream. The two halves of his stick are there in front of him and maybe he didn't really want to break if after all because the sight makes him choke up and then he can't help it anymore.

He's crying and screaming and shouting, hitting the floor and his knee and whatever he can reach because it's not fair, this is _Not_. _Fair_. He wants another game, another win. He wants the ice and the speed and to not feel like a useless cripple.

There's a loud crash and then his door bangs open, splintered around the lock and he can see his parents, both wide-eyed and his mum with her hands pressed to her mouth and crying. Then his father is beside him, grabbing his wrists and stopping them from hitting the injured knee and shouting at him to stop.

And then he's pulled into a hug so tight he can hardly breathe but he hugs back just as tightly and nearly crawls into his father's lap in his need to hide from what his life has become.

"I want to wake up, Daddy. _I want to wake up!_ "

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm aware that a torn ACL doesn't have to end a career but this is the early 90's and I'm the author. I get to decide XD. Also, I'm really, really pleased with this chapter *pats own back*


	7. Chapter 7

He doesn't know how long he's in his father's arms but after some time his parents put him into the car and his father drives him to the hospital to get the knee checked for damage. They tell the nurse that he fell and thankfully he didn't manage to make the injury worse than it already is. He already has all the painkillers they could prescribe and so all they end up doing is tell him to be careful.

When they get home his room is cleaned and his door removed.

"You're uncle Alex will bring the new one tomorrow," his mother says when she tucks him in and presses a kiss to his forehead.

Danny doesn't reply, just turns around and buries himself under the covers.

He doesn't say anything when the new door comes without a key and he doesn't say anything when his parents start checking up on him when he's too long alone in his room. There's no energy in him to assure them he's okay, not when everyone already knows that he's not and everything else he could say would be a lie. 

What he can do though is try to make it easier on them. He sits a lot downstairs with his mum, staring out of the window and listening to her hum to the radio.

His siblings have stopped asking him to join them for games but he notices that they are around a lot anyway, staying besides him with homework and chatter. It helps, to be left in peace but not left alone. To not be left to the silence that makes it so hard to sleep at night, when there's nothing between him and his thoughts.

 

There's talk about him talking to someone qualified, but he ignores that.

There's tentative talk about his future, but he ignores that, too. 

There is no future, at least none that he wants. 

And if at times there's only _Hockey, Steve, Hockey, Steve_ in his head… well, his thoughts are his own.

****************************

Despite the fact that time seems to have slowed down since his accident, soon enough two months have gone by and it's time for another check-up at the hospital. 

He gets some cream for the sores that have developed from the constant use of the crutches and after a lot of talks, his doctors decide to remove the brace. 

If possible, his knee hurts even worse without the support of the brace and he's reminded again and again to be careful now that there's no outer protection to the joint. He nods to everything they say, promises to keep doing his exercises and doesn't comment on his mothers joy when she sees the visible proof that he's at least physically getting better.

The next day is a weekday. His siblings are at school, his father has work and his mother has an unexpected appointment she can't miss. For the first time in what feels like forever, he's alone.

The moment he hears the front door close, he writes a note for his parents and leaves a few minutes after. Hobbles to the bus station and buys himself a ticket to Baltimore.

****************************

The trip itself is hell because the bus is packed and he has to force his knee to bend far further then he should. He swallows another painkiller, puts his headphones on and closes his eyes, trying to regulate his breathing and to not think about what he will find when he arrives or that he can feels his pulse in his knee.

It takes nearly four hours to reach Baltimore. It's not even noon and he's already exhausted but he grids his teeth while making his way to the next bus and that one's better, he has both seats to himself and nearly cries in relief when he can lift up his leg and relax.

Another two hours and then he's finally there. Annapolis.

There was no plan beyond getting there but in the end it's a school and every school has an administration office.

He limps his way towards the campus, passes security and is glad that he's in the habit of always having all ID's with him. Security is nice enough to point him in the direction of the office and then it's simply a matter of limping over there. Well, and then climbing the stairs to the damn second floor where it's located because of course, the elevator is out of service.

It's cool enough and once upon a time he might have enjoyed coming here as a tourist but now he only has eyes for the chairs placed inside the office. It's more a falling than sitting down, but he just doesn't care, instead pops another painkiller before looking up and facing towards an older woman sitting at an information desk who's already watching him.

He flashes her a tired smile which she returns and shrugs one shoulder.

"Sorry, but the elevator is out of order and my leg's not good with stairs at the moment."

Then he gets up again, leaning more heavily on his crutches than he had to recently and makes his way over to her.

"Hi, I'm Daniel Williams and I was hoping you could help me. I'm here to visit a friend of mine, Steven McGarret but I arrived earlier than expected. I was supposed to pick him up after class but I forgot to write his schedule down. I wanted to ask if you're able to look it up and point me in the right direction?"

"Yes, of course. McGarret, you said?"

And he can only nod because well, he had expected this to be more difficult. Instead he has all the information he needs a few minutes later, together with a campus map where the lady had helpfully circled the correct building.

He thanks her and slowly makes his way towards the door and that's when he sees a big schedule printed and tacked near the door. No wonder it was so easy, seems that's open information.

Going down the stairs is harder than going up, mainly because he has to resist the temptation of simply sitting down and sliding down on his ass. He has nearly thirty minutes till Steve's class will be finished but he's afraid to sit down, unsure how long it will take him to get there, unsure if he'd be able to get up again. He's so tired and also a bit woozy from the painkillers of whom he probably took to many already. But his knee hurts, his armpits hurt and he's nervous enough that puking actually sounds like a possibility.

Instead he hobbles over right away, planting himself a few feet away from the entrance so he'll see everything and won't miss one tall, dark-haired student exiting the building.

When the first students come out, he slowly moves himself further near the doors as to not be missed but by then he can hardly stand and has to heavily lean onto his crutches. He's so tired and he wants to sit down and for his knee to stop throbbing with his heartbeat but even more than that he wants to see Steve and then, like an answer to a prayer that was said months ago, he's there.

Steve sees him, Danny can tell, and he wants to smile at him but he has to keep his lips pressed together to avoid them trembling because Steve is okay, he's not hurt or something, so that at least is not a reason for why he hasn't replied. He had no idea how worried he was until he felt the relieve hit him. 

Then he's hit by anxiety. Maybe… but no, they can talk about it later because Steve is coming towards him and they won't be able to hug, too many people are around but Steve will smile at him and they will sit down together on some bench as they did so often before and everything will finally be at least somewhat okay. Steve will make okay. 

Only…only Steve is not coming towards him. 

Steve is not smiling at him but instead breaks their eye contact. 

Steve doesn't halt in front of him, instead he's next to him, facing the wrong direction and all Danny can do is breathe helplessly "Steve…"

He tries to reach out with one hand and nearly loses his balance when his leg decides it has had enough, forcing him to quickly grab hold of the crutch again and then Steve is already past him. Danny fumbles, manages to turn around and then all he can do is watch Steve's back get smaller and disappear in the crowd, unable to run after him.

He wants to call for Steve, to shout, to beg but the words refuse to come even though he can feel his lips moving.

This is not how it's supposed to be. This is not what Danny imagined when thoughts of their reunion were all there was between him and his nightmares. There were supposed to be hugs and maybe kisses, smiles and comfort and most importantly, hope. 

But all he can feel now is hurt, so much that it feels as if he'll be swallowed by it.

He has no idea how long he stands there, has no idea what just happened, but suddenly there's a voice next to him, asking him if he's okay.

He turns his head and it's a young man who looks at him worriedly.

"No…I… I wanted to meet with my f… Steve."

"Steve. Steve McGarret?"

And all Danny can do is nod wordlessly.

"You probably missed him. Did he know you were coming? Far as I know he has a lunch date with his girlfriend lined up. If you want I can show you to the cafeteria though, get him for you."

And that…girlfriend, what…

"No…no, that's…no. Thank you, though. It was supposed to be a surprise. I… I'll catch him some other day."

And then he gathers what's left of his pride around himself, lifts his head and makes his way back to the entrance and back to the bus.

The whole way home, all he can think is _girlfriend, girlfriend, girlfriend_ and all he can see is Steve's retreating back. And all he wants to know is 'Steve, what did I do?'

But he already knows what he did. Bothered Steve with stupid feelings that had no place between two guys. 

It's late when he comes home but his parents are still awake and because even though he left a note, they were worried about him. He acts on autopilot, apologizes for making them worry, refuses offers of dinner and makes his escape as soon as he can. Once in his room, he doesn't bother with undressing and instead goes straight to bed, pulls the cover over his head and bites his pillow to keep the sobs silent.

How could he have been so pathetic. So stupid as to not get the hint when Steve had stopped replying. How could he think that Steve would stay with him when he had the chance to lead a normal life with a girlfriend he wouldn't need to hide.

So stupid. Stupid, stupid, stupid. What did he expect? He shouldn't have written that letter, should have kept quiet and maybe… maybe he still would have Steve. He'd probably laughed when he'd gotten that letter. Because there's no love for two men, there's only sex in hotel rooms and how could he have forgotten that?

He doesn't know when he falls asleep but when he wakes up again, his eyes are swollen and he's exhausted and hurting. He limps to the bathroom, takes one painkiller and idly wonders if he should simply take the whole bottle. 

It would be so easy, he thinks in a trance. It's the middle of the night, no-one would notice until it was too late. Open the bottle, swallow every single pill and finally get some peace. It would be so easy.

And that… that's the thought that stops him because that's not him, that's never been him. And he looks up into the mirror, looks himself into the eyes and doesn't recognize himself. And suddenly he's angry. 

Losing ice hockey, the way his body will change without the constant exercise, he can't help that, can't stop it, can't control it.

But the rest, that's not him. He has never thought about giving up and that fucking, lying asshole, that goddamn coward won't make him into someone who does.

He'll get better and he'll find something that doesn't hurt and fuck hockey and fuck Steve, he doesn't need them, he doesn't. 

He doesn't need anything

He'll show them.

****************************

That nights he rips Steve's letters and packs anything hockey related into his parents attic.

And then, for the first time since his injury, he puts his back into his exercises, does what he should and more, till the sweat drips and the pain makes his muscles cramp.

He won't let this cripple him any longer. So what if the life he wanted is no longer possible. He'll carve himself a new one. 

****************************

He spends a long time thinking about what he wants to do, speaks with some of his dad's colleagues and ends up applying and getting accepted by the City University. The courses he takes are for Criminal Justice.

There had been long talks with his parents and both of them hadn't been happy when he had voiced his wish to join the police but neither of them had really complained, happy enough for him to finally get back on track. And probably hoping that he'd settle for something else once he sees what other jobs are out there.

But Danny has made up his mind. He'll do the courses and get his degree and once he's old enough, he'll apply for the academy. He wants this.

There's no hooking up with other students or anyone else for that matter, he's not interested in anything but healing and not getting hurt again.

It takes nearly a full year until he has regained confidence in his leg and is able to jog and swim without waiting for a twinge and even then he keeps up the exercises the physical therapist had shown him.

And then he graduates and Stella finally gets her room back because he's accepted by the academy and that will be another two years but he _likes_ this, it's interesting and he think he'll be able to do something that actually matters, something that will keep him occupied and his thoughts focused.

****************************

The two years fly by so fast he can hardly believe it. He gains new friends who have no idea that he once played professional hockey and instead go to baseball games with him when he tells them that he's not interested in hockey. 

He's… content. It's not the life he wanted but it's a good one non-the-less. He's lonely sometimes, made worse when he sees his siblings with various boy- and girlfriends but he's learned the hard way that there are no relationships for gay guys. 

He graduates top of his class and the ceremony is so similar to his draft that he loses his smile for a moment. But then he's hugged and kissed by his family and the moment is gone and this, this is his new life. Memories are not welcome here.

****************************

On his sixth month as a beat cop, he's finally gotten to really know some of the people in his assigned area. It's one of the outer areas where people have a bit more money than the rest and there's not as much crime as some of his colleagues see. 

He's partnered with Saul, who's a good bit older but still happy with what he's doing, and they're currently parked so the man can grab some coffee.

It's a nice day, too nice to wait in the car, really.

So he gets out, takes off his hat so he can feel the sun and wind and stretches his arms over his head.

That's when some crazy British lady crashes into their parking cruiser.

As it turns out, he's not as gay as he thought he was.


End file.
